Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Lopsided and lamenting...


Timmy: "It's history."
Tommy: "It's history."
Timmy: "Kiss it good bye."
Tommy: "Kiss it--"
Timmy: "Shut up, Tommy."
"It's gone, man. Gone."

Ever heard of "phasing out"? My friend Haley, back when she was single and dating a different guy every three weeks, used the term "phasing out" to describe the process of giving someone the boot. She would start picking up their calls a little less the first day, maybe not respond to their texts the next, and from thereafter the broken-up-with would slowly clue in to the status of the fizzled relationship without the drama of "I don't think we should see each other anymore."

Josie's phasing me out, man. At first it was just mild distraction during feedings; we were still cool, right? I didn't suspect any real danger. Eventually distraction just turned into diversion--I knew she wasn't serious when she started giving me fatties instead of sucking. Diversion quickly turned into disinterest, and from there, disgust. It's gotten to the point where I pop it out, and she immediately gives me an emphatic "No!" with a condescending shake of the head. She's like "are you kidding me, Mom? Seriously. I'm so done with that whole scene." I feel like an old shoe tossed aside and forgotten.
This morning I timidly and nonchalantly got ready for her, playing like I didn't remember that she had moved on without me. If I acted like it was still protocol, maybe so would she, right? To my surprise, she humored me. I played it cool, trying not to turn her off with my over-eagerness. It took her about three minutes to realize that not only was this whole nursing business just overrated, but too much work now to make it worth her time. She pushed away, without another look back. I calmly encouraged her to take the other side. Nope. I whined. Nope. I pleaded. Not a chance. She only gave a look that said, "This isn't my problem anymore, Mom." Way to leave me hanging, Jos--well, at least the one side.
Isn't this supposed to happen the other way around?! Don't Moms typically do all the phasing out?? Sure, I know it's time. True, at least we had a good thirteen months. But contrary to everyone I talk to, I'm not ready! I miss her needing me, and I miss our special time together. I know I should be eager to ween her....but I'm just not, okay?
So this morning, I'm feeling a little heartsick. And also unbalanced.

14 comments:

trine k said...

you're so cute- good thing you're planning on many more kiddos, that way you can get your fill of nursing over and over again :) Plus, Josie still definitely needs you, just in different ways, so focus on the other times you get to cuddle and play and happy ways she enjoys you. I know its not the same, but just holding Leyna before i put her down to sleep makes me feel so good.

The Brandleys said...

I know how you feel I practically had to force Jonas For the last couple months! I don't think I was quite as heart broken as you but that's ok to be! I wish Jonas neded me more too! Well sometimes I do. Anyway just make another and you'll be all set!

Emily said...

Ah Mimmy, a little heart renching isn't it, every little time we're phased out so to speak, and it will happen tons of times, and in many ways till we have happy confident adults, struggling with their own mites. But alls I have to say, is you sure got a lot of sweetness ahead. Lets take a moment for the painful end, and look forward to a lot of beginning!!! By the way when you got cast out like an old shoe, did you think of Marine Ohara on Parent trap?

Rob and Marseille said...

I'm sorry she's done before you are. When Christopher was 15 or 19months I saw someone with a child near Christopher's age still nursing and I was envious...I missed it.

Brooke and Mike said...

I totally know how you feel. Adam quit nursing at 14 months and my heart aches for the cuddling and being close. Good luck with the lopsidedness, no fun. Do babies really have to grow up?

M-Ware said...

ha! hilarious - and a little unsettling - but don't take the boob rejection personally.

The Piersons said...

Aww, Mim, I felt for you in your post. She still needs you, just in a different way.

Ha, ha, I have to admit that I could've probably taught classes on phasing out. It was just so much easier...

2P and Super B said...

Oh, how sad for you!
I guess it is time now for a new little baby that can "need" you and your milk services.
I went to Youth Conference by the way and we were at a theme park so I couldn't take my pump with me...and boy was it insane. SUPER filled boobs right there...there has NEVER been a time that I wanted to nurse more than then! I literallly ACHED for my baby (who is 5 months and still needing me a lot!) I dread the day she Phases me out.

LOVe yOu!

Sister Jenny Hansen said...

I love the realness of your post, I couldn't expect anything less. Don't be surprised if I come to you for Super Mom advice, or better: write a book and I'll bind them and sell them. You are great!

whitney allison said...

I'd write you a comment oh how I relate but we both know it would be a lie. So my comment is this, I've always thought that Josie looks totally like her daddy but in that picture she is such the perfect blend of the two of you. The expression on her little face is so you. That's all.

Ann said...

If you think YOUR boobs have been left "hanging", you should see how mine are hanging after THREE kids. It isn't pretty, Mim.

whitney allison said...

Is he ever! I have molded him into the best Settler's player I know how. When, where?!?!

Lacey said...

Haha, great post. I know how you feel, but with all the other edible deliciousness in the world, you can't really blame her too much, can you?

Again, I'm sorry I didn't make it over to see you. Hopefully next time.

velinda said...

So, what I want to know is, are you a DANGEROUS, unbalanced woman? 3, 2, 1...... WUD... ;0
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