Lopsided and lamenting...

Timmy: "It's history."
Tommy: "It's history."
Timmy: "Kiss it good bye."
Tommy: "Kiss it--"
Timmy: "Shut up, Tommy."
"It's gone, man. Gone."

Ever heard of "phasing out"? My friend Haley, back when she was single and dating a different guy every three weeks, used the term "phasing out" to describe the process of giving someone the boot. She would start picking up their calls a little less the first day, maybe not respond to their texts the next, and from thereafter the broken-up-with would slowly clue in to the status of the fizzled relationship without the drama of "I don't think we should see each other anymore."

Josie's phasing me out, man. At first it was just mild distraction during feedings; we were still cool, right? I didn't suspect any real danger. Eventually distraction just turned into diversion--I knew she wasn't serious when she started giving me fatties instead of sucking. Diversion quickly turned into disinterest, and from there, disgust. It's gotten to the point where I pop it out, and she immediately gives me an emphatic "No!" with a condescending shake of the head. She's like "are you kidding me, Mom? Seriously. I'm so done with that whole scene." I feel like an old shoe tossed aside and forgotten.
This morning I timidly and nonchalantly got ready for her, playing like I didn't remember that she had moved on without me. If I acted like it was still protocol, maybe so would she, right? To my surprise, she humored me. I played it cool, trying not to turn her off with my over-eagerness. It took her about three minutes to realize that not only was this whole nursing business just overrated, but too much work now to make it worth her time. She pushed away, without another look back. I calmly encouraged her to take the other side. Nope. I whined. Nope. I pleaded. Not a chance. She only gave a look that said, "This isn't my problem anymore, Mom." Way to leave me hanging, Jos--well, at least the one side.
Isn't this supposed to happen the other way around?! Don't Moms typically do all the phasing out?? Sure, I know it's time. True, at least we had a good thirteen months. But contrary to everyone I talk to, I'm not ready! I miss her needing me, and I miss our special time together. I know I should be eager to ween her....but I'm just not, okay?
So this morning, I'm feeling a little heartsick. And also unbalanced.