And then we blessed him

...On Sunday. It was nice. Nice to see family. Nice to eat good food. Nice to fall a little more in love with my husband as he blessed our little baby.

We tried to get a family photo, but we were extremely limited on time, because Josie had pooped in the toilet without me, and forgot to wipe, and unfortunately it was the kind of poo that you really ought to wipe. Did I mention that she didn't have underwear on? She didn't because earlier she had leaked a little before making it to the toilet, so I just took them off. Consequently this rather unforgiving poop was in chunks all over her dress, and legs, and well everywhere. Anyway, we discovered all this just moments before these photos were taken, and that's why she's standing in front of us, and not sitting on our lap. Merritt pooped too, but it wasn't as big a deal. I took some awesome photos of the poop smeared dress as well as Allan hosing her off stark naked in the backyard, but I'll spare you. I have to remind myself sometimes that not everyone enjoys a good poop documentation like I do.

The photos of Merritt are pretty dark too, but it was rainy today and so that's the best I could do. As my Mom would say, it is what it is. And that's fine. I also tried to get him to smile--he does so often--but he was pretty stoic this morning, and that's fine too. Stoic Merritt is almost as cute as smiley Merritt.

Oh, and I cut my hair.

I'm slain...

...by that three-week-old smile

The Birth Beat

Hilarious, as well as a painful reality.

I've been meaning for some time to blog about this, but I didn't want to do it until I had enough time to really say what I want to, which, you know, never really happens, so I'm just going to take a stab at it. P.S. This IS the longest post I've ever written, so don't bother reading it if you have absolutely no interest in childbirth. Or do. But don't feel obligated, because I won't ask you about it next time I see you. You're safe.

Josie's labor was a jumble of both good and bad. For months and months I would play out in my mind the whole experience, just trying to process it. There were a few complications during labor that made it stressful and difficult for me (the precautions limited my options and freedom significantly i.e. continuous internal fetal monitoring that restricted me to the bed), and so in that sense I disappointed. I had a fairly negative experience with my healthcare providers; it felt like it was Me vs. Them, and that my desires to birth naturally were met with a whole lot of reluctance, pessimism, and at times, straight-up doubt that I had the ability to do it. And after it was all over, I honestly couldn't believe I'd gone through that much pain. The whole experience was completely surreal. So, all those things sound bad. True. The good part, no, the amazing part, which I also went over and over in my mind, completely in awe of the experience--was when I pushed her out, and she was resting on my chest. It was unbelievable. I had worked so hard for her, and there she was. Real. Really in my arms. It was like a climax of utterly intense emotions--love, pride, relief, strength, empowerment, exhaustion.....gratitude. I wouldn't trade that experience for the world. But backing up a little bit, during transition (for all you who don't know yet, that's the period of time when you go from dialating to ready-to-push), I had that classic moment of self-doubt. It's very typical for women to doubt their ability to really do it during transition, and I definitely did. Suddenly the physiological experience becomes so intense that you wonder how much longer you can keep it up. The good thing about transition however, is that it means you're almost done; ironically, that feeling comes when you're so near the end. Anyway, I was expressing these feelings of doubt to Allan, and my midwife Mindy sat down and said "honey, you are no less of a woman if you need medication now. Don't feel guilty if that's what you want." I was frustrated by this comment, but I didn't have the energy or frame-of-mind to articulate that I wasn't birthing unmedicated because I wanted to be "a woman." I wasn't looking to feed my ego with toughness or bravery; I wasn't out to prove anything--in fact, I'm positive that if that were my motivation, I wouldn't have been able to actually do it! I was laboring unmedicated because I believed it was better for me and my baby. So here's the point of this anecdote. In the months following her birth, I thought a lot about that moment, and knew that if I were ever going to labor unmedicated again, I needed to KNOW exactly why I felt that natural was better for me and my baby. I wanted to understand perfectly all the pros and cons of both medicated and unmedicated labor. IF I ever were to labor naturally again, I had to, or else I knew that I couldn't do it.

So, that experience is what initiated my obsession with childbirth. For months I've poured over books on birthing--books advocating both natural and medicated labors. I went to the library, searched "childbirth," and basically checked out everything that came up. I wasn't really interested in labor methods as I was about learning the risks and benefits and even simply the physiological process of childbirth. As I learned, two things began to happen. First of all, I began to think that most of my disappointment and frustration with how Josie's birth played out stemmed from the attitudes of my careproviders, as well as (what I believed to be) unnecessary interventions, which were all largely a result of my own ignorance. Secondly, the debate in my mind became less about natural vs. medicated, and more about being informed enough to make good decisions, and then actually having the freedom to make them. I felt like I had very little choice during Josie's labor because the complications were blown out of proportion, and I felt I had little or no say in the decision-making process. I was mad about that, and the more I studied the more I believed that the lack of knowledge on my part had made me unconfident and unqualified to voice my objection to what was going on, because I didn't really know whether or not their attitudes and the precautions taken were necessary or not, and so I couldn't voice my gut feeling that everything was fine. Limited knowledge meant limited power.

As I gained knowledge through study, I felt I gained power too. I discovered that so much of my anxiety to deliver again was related to my ignorance in the why/what concerning both the physiological process of childbirth, as well as the safety interventions into that process. I came away with a reverence for our women-bodies, and complete confidence in my body's ability to labor just fine without anyone or thing interfering. I know that may sound presumptuous, but I believe that. I recognize that there are times when intervention is necessary and miraculous, and for that I'm grateful. But I also believe that MOST of the time our bodies know exactly when and what to do, and that often modern medicine can screw up that process.

I realize this is a sensitive topic for some, and so I wholeheartedly hope this doesn't come off offensive to anyone. Believe that I don't mean it to be! These are my experiences and feelings, and my journey to them was so personal that I wouldn't dream of ever telling anyone that laboring naturally is right for them--I would sooner tell them how many kids to have. What I do want to say, and what I've come to feel passionately about, is EDUCATE yourself! No matter what your ideal childbirth is, or how the heck you feel about medication during labor, knowing what's happening, why they're happening, and when intervention is needed, can only give you more confidence, peace, and ability to make healthy and informed choices during your own labor. If some type of intervention (i.e. induction, epidural, forceps, vacuum, episiotomy ETC) is needed or desired unexpectedly, knowing what's up will give you the power to choose rather than letting decisions be made for you, or in my case, allowing myself to be manipulated into certain decisions because of the fear factor (they said things like "you want a healthy baby, right?" Of COURSE I did! Every mother does! But not knowing anything makes THEM the authority on what's best). Plus, it will give you more choices. I promise. Example: Say you're a week overdue, and your providers want to induce you. Do YOU know the risks involved with an overdue baby? Do you know the risks of induction? Do you know the risks and benefits of allowing labor to begin on its own? Ok, so say you think induction is necessary--do you know the many different ways to induce and the risks/benefits involved with each? It is likely that your careproviders will give you one option, when in reality, there are many, and some are much less invasive than others. This is the case with medication, monitoring, pushing, positions, delivery, post-partum care, the list goes on and on. The more you know, the more choices you have.

And what's more, I feel like my confidence in being able to make good decisions, and my body's ability to its thang thang made everything go smoother during my labor. Merritt's labor was so calm and relaxed. It was such a positive experience ultimately, and I'm positive that my preparation made the difference. I think that at the end of the day, preparation and control have a lot more to do with satisfaction of experience than the presence or absence of pain. Reading up will only help you--regardless of how you choose to labor. Have I made my case??

I'm taking the liberty of listing here some of my favorites reads here.

Pushed: the painful truth about childbirth and modern maternity care by Jennifer Block. This is soooooo interesting. So fascinating. Read it. It's packed with studies and statistics and interviews and stories and it's really really good.

Easy Labor: every woman's guide to choosing less pain and more joy during childbirth by William Camann. This was my favorite book written from the pro-medicated side of the fence, and it provides a pretty good (although biased) overview of what you should know. I recommend this to the woman who wants her epidural yesterday. I also strongly recommend reading this ALONG with:

Easing Labor Pain: the complete guide to a more comfortable and rewarding birth. by Adrienne Lieberman. And this was my favorite book written from the pro-natural side of the fence. It also provides a pretty good (although biased) overview of what you should know. Again, I strongly recommend reading this along with Easy Labor. PS in this same category I also really enjoyed Labor Pain: a natural approach to easing delivery by Nicky Wesson.

Birthing From Within: an extra-ordinary guide to childbirth preparation by Pam England. I want to own this book. I love it. As far as labor methods go, this is it for me. It's all about trusting the natural physiological process, and just getting in touch with your inner birthing self. It also deals a lot with the psychology of birth, and working through you own issues (i.e. fear, anger, regret, disappointment, etc). And it has "birth art." Hello....What's weirder and cooler than birth art?!

The Business of Being Born (a documentary) produced by Ricki Lake. Yeah, so you should probably watch this now. Like, today. It's basically a very poignant, condensed documentary version of Pushed, and very worthwhile. Disclaimer: this has a lot of naked women giving birth, as well as naked women cursing while giving birth. PS. this streams from NetFlicks, and we watched it by signing up for the trial version.

So that's it. I'm genuinely sorry it's so long. If you want to know more about any of this, or want to read my birth story (Merritt's), just let me know. Another disclaimer though, my birth story is not for the weak of heart, and probably not for men. You know, just FYI.

Love you. Hug, hug, kiss, Big hug, leetle kiss.

Meet Merritt

So I just realized that we don't have any whole body shots, which is a shame, cause he's got a pretty one. So solid and cute. I do have amazing news, though. He successfully peed in his mouth this morning while I was changing him. He started to pee while I was between diapers, and so I tried to block the pee with my hand, but not before a very accurate stream had gone directly into his open mouth. Gross and kinda cool.

Here he is. You gotta love those CHEECKS! And the hair! Oh, isn't he just amazing??

He reminds me of Josie in this one. The eyes are really similar to her's at that age.
And this one is classic. This was literally moments after I pushed him out, and I definitely look the part. When I looked in the mirror a little while later and said "Yikes" the nurse said, "just think of it as war-paint." I just love the picture cause it brings me back to that on-top-of-the-world moment that it was. So great.

The grande debut

Hey ya'll. So it finally happened! I'll put pictures up later, but for now, here's the quick version: I went into labor 1:00 pm on Monday May 4, we got the hospital at 3:20, and BAM. By 3:54 he was here. SO QUICK. It went absolutely perfectly, and I'm still just floating around here on cloud nine. He's BEAUTIFUL and perfect, and HUGE. He was 9 FAT pounds 1 ounce, and------you ready for this??? He's got RED hair! (Thanks to Allan's beard). So that's it! I'm doing great, (I can't believe how good, actually) and we're just getting ready to head back home. Hooray! Oh, yeah--his name. He sort of just named himself, really. We were COMPLETELY undecided, and then when we finally met him, his name just sort of popped out.
Merritt Allan Tribe
(A big loving shout-out to my bro Merritt:))
Love ya'll! Stay tuned for pictures!

This better be the last belly shot...

INIGO: I do not suppose you could speed things up?

MAN IN BLACK: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope, or a tree branch, or find something useful to do.

INIGO: I could do that. In fact, I've got some rope up here. But I do not think that you will accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.

MAN IN BLACK: That does put a damper on our relationship.

INIGO: But I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.

MAN IN BLACK: That's very comforting. But I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.

INIGO: I hate waiting.

Me too, Inigo. Me too. Inigo is waiting for a duel-to-the-death--which, for all his confidence, could be rather grueling--and yet the anticipation of it all is unbearable. I'm due tomorrow, and the only indication of that is my enormous belly. No real signs of anything going on. In fact, I feel annoyingly comfortable. My back has stopped hurting these last couple of weeks. My pinched nerve really hasn't bothered me. I'm sleeping pretty dang good. I can walk miles without feeling like the baby is going to fall out. I'm not complaining, but it makes me feel like I might just stay nine-months pregnant forever.

I could write an entire book on nesting. I've:
-organized every drawer, cupboard, closet in my house. (Allan says that "organized" is an insufficient description, so I will qualify by adding re-arranged, grouped, labeled, boxed, tubbed, beautified, etc)
-I've cleaned in places that have never been cleaned before (in my house, you sicko).
-I've sewn quilts and clothes and junk.
-I've literally read every book our library has on childbirth--pro-natural, pro-medicated, whatever, I read it.
-I've washed all his clothes and have them neatly folded in the dresser. Just waiting to be pooped on..
-I've bought meat almost every time I go to the grocery store, and have it waiting in the freezer.
-I've painted my toes
-I've straightened my hair almost every day for the past two weeks, just in case.
-And recently, I impulsively painted our dining room table bright red because I was desperate for a project (more photos on that later).

Anyway, so here it is. The last belly shot. It's absolutely ASTRONOMICAL, is it not?! I find that I stun even myself every time I pass a mirror. It doesn't feel that big, but when I see it I'm like "Seriously? That's me?!"

Wow.

Fruits of the Nest

Hey everyone.
I'm always surprised when someone like my Aunt, or Allan's cousin, or a friend from the ward says "oh yeah, I saw that on your blog." Really?! You read this? People read this? One time, I even got an anonymous comment from a "friendly blog stalker" about something I had made. Now, THAT was flattering.
But blogs are great, you know? If you ever are self-conscious or embarrassed about something (i.e. an unusually large belly), just blog about it, and you'll quickly be overwhelmed by boatloads of positive reinforcement. It's great for my self-esteem, but awful for my ego. I mean, based on all your comments, I am in danger of actually believing I am one of the most beautiful and talented people to walk the earth. Would you really have me believe that?? Well, that's what's resulting from all those really nice comments you're making. If I become a conceited, overbearing, unbearable prude, I'm blaming you.
On that note, let me share with you a few of the sweet treasures I've been working on for the newest Tribe.
First of all, don't you agree that lederhosens CAN be manly?
I think so. I'm imagining a tie or maybe a bowtie along with a tiny little dress shirt. Do they make dress shirts in this size? Size weelittle?

And second, I feel there's nothing that says "eclectic intelligencia" like a brown-plaid blazer. I wonder if I could find matching dark-rimmed glasses to really complete the look...
And now as many of you know, I'm trying to teach myself to quilt. Desperate for some guidance/instruction, I called up my mom's good friend and kindred spirit Shauna Ogden, who enlightened me on such things as a walking foot. Changed my life forever. I was able to do all the quilting on my machine, and I really love the way it turned out. I was lucky enough to find a women who would sell me this delicious Heather Ross fabric for retail price, rather double or TRIPLE that, which is what I was seeing everywhere else on ebay and etsy (because it's out of print). Anyway, it was so fun! I don't know if you can see real well, but on each block I quilted a different geometric design, which added a bit of whimsy, I think.


I also made these little booties from excess fabric.
All these projects I have thrown myself into hoping they would distract me from the woes of the third trimester. I won't elaborate about the various aches and pains that befall us all during this grueling time. As far as all that goes, I'm hanging in there. Just trying to avoid counting down or even thinking about time at all. Actually, despite the difficulties of mind and body, I have been extremely happy these past couple of months. As baby boy Tribe's debut fast approaches, I have clung to the short time I have with just my baby girl.
You remember how the Grinch's little heart grows three times larger (uh, something like that, right?) in the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas? Well, I swear that's what happens when you become a mother. Your heart expands so much sometimes it feels like it will burst. I love my girl. She's my best little friend. My little family of three has brought me so much joy, that although I fully expect the fourth to bring more joy, it will never be the same. It will never be just us ever again. She's been my constant companion every day for two years...and soon that time, this time, of her and me will be over. It will all be wonderful, but it will never be the same wonderful as now. I know I don't usually wax sentimental, but I don't know...the additional hormones (??) have made me quite sensitive lately. You know that feeling when you're in a relationship and you have this gut feeling that the guy is going to break-up with you soon? (past-tense of course for all of you who are now in eternal relationships like me) But you know that feeling? That lump? I kinda feel like that. I feel like Josie is about to break-up with me, and I'm just so in love with her, that it breaks my heart even though it hasn't happened yet. Please tell me that this feeling is just poppycock! Tell me that things will never change between us!

She's potty-trained. She pretty much is amazing at it, too. She's done soooo super well. I realize that it has about nothing to do with me and my abilities to potty-train, and everything to do with her natural "potty" skills, and also that she was just ready. I was DREADING it, but it ended up being no big deal. I'll save all my dread for my next child who will inevitably be potty-training-challenged.

Hey, have you guys ever been to Color Me Mine? SO fun! I'm pretty sure I'm the last one to get on this band-wagon, but Allan took me their for our anniversary, and had so much fun. Last night I went again with my sisters (including my sister-in-law) and mom, and it was so so so fun. I haven't had that much fun since I was baptized. Anyway, so with Allan, we made this bowl. I designed it (which by the way, if it looks familiar to any of you, I have no idea why....?), Allan painted it, and then I added the black etching. I feel bad posting so many pictures of one thing, but I want to give you the full effect.


I also made these knobs. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them yet...apron holder? Mount them on an old window and hang cute pot-holders on them? Well, that's it for now. Thanks for stopping in and reading. Thanks for all the super nice (if not a little too generous) things you all said after my last post. Hope you enjoyed general conference as much as I did today. My soul was uplifted, and my body was fattened (or my baby's body...or probably both).
Peace.